Army-Speak, Decoded

Any sociologist will tell you that groups tend towards homogeneity – it's a herd mentality beaten into us by distant mammalian genetic roots. Those who stood out of the pack for any reason – different coloring, odd behavior, deformity, body odor – were ruthlessly culled by either the alpha leaders or the relentless predators that stalked our primordial forebears. (As apelike mammals, we're two-time losers in the genetics lottery – mammals weren't the big dick around the waterhole until the dinosaurs went the way of the do-do; and apes, being primarily vegetarians are a threat only to the unwary. And carrots. Ultimately, humans weren't at the top of the food chain until we developed fire and supermarkets.) Anyway, it was in the best interest of our rodent-like antecessors to stomp on the "unique snowflakes" and eat their young, a practice I understand still takes place in High Schools around the Nation.

The Army is a brilliant example of herd mentality.

We dress alike, we eat alike, we wear our hair in similar styles, and we sound alike. For some strange reason there are only two accents in the Army -- Redneck and New Yawka. (Stay in long enough and though you may have grew up in Long Beach, even your family will swear you spent your youth picking bollweevils out of the cotton with Cousin Cooter.) The Army has its own distinct language, one that you pick up unconsciously, much like a toe fungus or social disease. I've been in the Army 14 months, and already I've forgotten how to speak like a civilian.

I was talking to one of my friends last night, and we were IMing about the usual things – work, our respective days, etc – and somewhere in between the playful banter and half-assed marriage proposal, he had to stop and ask me to translate something I'd just said. That's when I realized…the Army has taken over my mouth. I cuss more, I use more TLAs (three letter acronyms, baby), I drop obscure phraseology into everyday conversation…it's invasion of the body snatchers, except my eyes haven't gone spooky blue and I don't sleep in a pod at night like some escapee from Cocoon. I am an American Soldier. I am a warrior and a member of a team. I serve the people of the United States and live the Army values. Fear me, bitches.

Anyway, the point of this blogspot then is to translate for my friends and family some of the more common instances of Army-Speak that may creep into my speech from time to time. In no particular order:

1. High Speed. This can be a noun or an adjective. Common usage: "Where you headed, high-speed?" or "He's so high-speed he's a danger to himself and others." It usually means something positive, especially when paired with "low-drag". It means you're a stud, a go-getter, a future Captain America, mission first and people always, halleluiah Praise God. A person can be high-speed, some particularly cool Army toy or training scenario can be high-speed, or perhaps some new piece of technology recently written up in one of our jingoistic publications. Sometimes, and this is my personal favorite, the term is used in a derogatory fashion. When used this way – for example, "The door opens the other way, high-speed," – it essentially means "asshat".

2. Good Frikkin' Night/Doggone/Daggone/etc. Example: "Get your daggone butt in gear, private, before I'm forced to motivate you!" These relatively toothless swearwords are used primarily by "schoolhouse" NCOs. These are NCOs who spent the bulk of their career as Drill Sergeants or Instructors at Basic, Advanced Individual Training Course, or Officer Basic Course, collectively referred to as the Schoolhouse. In the Schoolhouse, it's against the rules to swear at the students. It's a kinder, gentler Army these days – we are molding the future fighting force with a firm and steady hand, not brass knuckles and a bullwhip. If you ever hear "Good Frikkin' Night" or similar drop from the lips of an acquaintance, dollars to donuts you have yourself a genuine former wearer of the Brown Round.

3. Blue Falcon. Blue Falcon is a nice way of saying Buddy Fucker. These are the dickheads who go pawing through the MRE box looking for the best meal, who sleep with the wife of a deployed person, who get pregnant to avoid deployment, who take the last cold soda from the cooler and don't put any more in, etc. We have whole cadences devoted to the Blue Falcon – my personal favorite verse goes like this:

You hear the chopper coming

It's hovering overhead

It's come to get the wounded

But I jump on instead

I'm a Blu-u-u-ue Fal-al-al-al-con

4. Charlie Mike, Tango Mike, Charlie Foxtrot, BOHICA, FUBAR, SSDD. Some of these you may recognize, especially thanks to military movies like Saving Private Ryan and Blackhawk Down. The Army LOVES acronyms – everything is an acronym. We publish whole TCs (training circulars), FMs (field manuals), and TMs (training manuals) with lists of relevant acronyms, because much like the individual characters in Cantonese, there are far too many for any one person to ever memorize them all.

FUBAR – Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition

Dude, if you want to go to the PX you're going to have to drive. My fucking truck is FUBARed.

SSDD – Same Shit, Different Day

My girlfriend always wants to know what I'm doing over here – it's just SSDD.

BOHICA – Bend Over Here It Comes Again

Oh fuck ma'am, it looks like another BOHICA mission.

Charlie Foxtrot – Cluster Fuck
When the Colonel came out to our site, he brought all of his little minions with him. It was a goddamned Charlie Foxtrot.

Charlie Mike – Continue Mission

When the IED hit our truck, there were no casualties. We called it up to higher and they were just like, "Charlie Mike, motherfuckers".

Tango Mike – Thanks Much

Dude, can I get my Maxim back please? You're drooling on the cover. Tango Mike, asshat.

5. Squared Away. This may be used as a verb or an adjective. "Square me away, Sergeant," or "That soldier is really squared away". The phrase "let's get this squared away" means essentially the same thing as "tighten up the shot group" or "lean forward in the foxhole". It means to fix a problem. When used as an adjective, it means that things are running smoothly, or that a soldier really knows what they are doing (synonymous with high-speed, used in the non-sarcastic fashion).

6. Kiwi Injection, 4^th Point of Contact. Usually used together, ie "I'll give that yahoo a kiwi injection in his 4^th point of contact", or separately as in "My commander has his head shoved straight up his 4^th point of contact." Let's break this one down. Kiwi is a very popular brand of boot polish. When a soldier is climbing an obstacle, he or she is instructed to keep three points of contact…either two feet and one hand, two hands and one foot, etc. Your fourth point of contact is your rear end. You're intelligent people, I'll let you work out this one on your own. Sadly, since the new combat boot does not need to be polished, I think this phrase may go the way of the buffalo.

Anyway, that's all I can think of right now. But drop these in conversation, and you too can sound as hardcore as the stone-faced killers in the United States Armed Forces. Until next time:

Charlie Mike, motherfuckers.