A little help, Big Guy?

It's amazing how a little information – two very small, completely unconnected bits of news I found out just last night – can be so earth shattering. I went to bed last night numb, and when I woke up this morning, the whole world was different…which is to say, my whole world is different…I doubt the other two people involved see the situation in the same light that I do. One sees a golden opportunity and a fresh start where I see a closed door. The other sees justification where I see a betrayal. Two events – a new job accepted and an email sent several months ago – a change in perspective, and I've lost two people who were more important to me…in their own ways…than I think they ever did (or ever will) truly know.

In high school I had a friend, Andrew Breton, who used to say: "That sucks. But not in a good, 'suck my dick' kind of way, but in a bad, 'suck my ass with a vacuum cleaner' kind of way." Right on. Crude, yeah, okay. But descriptive.

This week has been like that…and Christ in a Side Car, it's only Wednesday. What's next, Big Guy? You going to go all Old Testament on me, a plague of boils here, a river of blood there; maybe smite my oxen just for kicks? Let me know so I can brush up on my Charleton Heston, if you send the Angel of Death out here to kill all the First Born again, I want to be ready. I knew that goat's blood I've been keeping around would come in handy sooner or later.

See, God and I have this deal worked out. He's allowed to dump as much crap on me as He likes, but He's got to balance in out with good things, so that at the end of the day I've got a neutral balance. Let's go over this week and tally it up…

Sunday

(Bad) Molly called me hysterical because the Parental units have decided to get a divorce.

(Good) Annahita liked my story! (Except for the incestuous bits, right, darlin'?)

(Bad) A very pissed off full-bird colonel, COL Resnek, visited my site and interviewed SSG Elam. He came away from the interview thinking that we have no idea what we're doing down there and any minute Hadji is going to come over the wall, capture us and put us on Al-Jazeera for ritualistic beheading.

(Bad) Am forced to attend stupid Hail & Farewell ceremony for Battalion where only food is pizza. Eat 4 slices and feel like a big fat cow.

(Good) Andrea and I embrace the Big Fat Cow-ness and commiserate about boys over ice cream at the DFAC.

Monday

(Good) Parental units will not be divorcing after all. All is back to normal (ha!) at the Reid household.

(Bad) Get ass-chewing from CPT Agena regarding COL Resnek's visit. Find out that as a result of the visit, COL Hooker and MG Webster will be visiting my site on Tuesday.

(Good) See Current Crush™ at command center when I go to check in.

(Bad) Make ass of self in front of Current Crush™ at command center when I go to check in.

(Good) Current Crush™ punches me in the shoulder in apparent manly greeting. Spend about 20 minutes on the phone with Best Friend™ discussing whether or not this means he likes me and whether behavior is direct outgrowth of elementary school habit of bashing one's amour in the head with a lunchbox as a sign of affection.

(Bad) Am starting to wonder if Losers Welcome is tattooed on my forehead in ink visible only to Perverts, the Emotionally Unavailable, and the Psychotic. Spend 20 minutes over IM with Other Best Friend™ discussing whether manly punch in the shoulder is a sign that Current Crush™ is closet wife-beater.

Tuesday

(Good/Bad) MG Webster and COL Hooker postpone visit to my site. I am forced to sit out there for 12 hours for no real reason. Eat entire bag of Chex Mix all on own. Throw up entire bag of Chex Mix in humiliating display of projectile pyrotechnics.

(Bad) Make ass of self in front of Current Crush™ at command center when I go to check my mail. He salutes me, apparently in recognition of my status as a certifiable crazy person.

(Bad) Find out Piece of Information #1. I'd go into more detail, but since this involves another person who may or may not like their private business discussed in my blog, suffice it to say that for me, this piece of information was Not Good…for this person, this piece of information was Not Bad.
(Bad) Find out Piece of Information #2. My reaction to this piece of information prompts a downward spiral in which the fragile peace built up between me and this person crumbles and we're back to square 1.

Wednesday

(Bad) Get period. Break a nail. Am told by PSG that I need to clean my room. The dining facility ran out of Diet Coke.

(Good) Have not died, broken out in boils, or spontaneously combusted. Yet.

Hmm. So far the score appears to be God – 11, Sunny – 7. That's a 5 point deficit. I was never much for math, but I'm thinking God owes me. Clearly, I've got something pretty sweet headed my way, and it's going to be huge.

Brad Pitt in a box? Winning the lottery? Redeploying early? Having Current Crush™ decide that despite appearances, I am not schizophrenic?

I'm waiting, Big Guy.

Just...waiting.