Great Moments in Voting History

I did promise, after all.

I was going to write a blogspot on the history of embalming, or something equally morbid. I found some fantastically disgusting pictures of adipocere on the internet (research!) and I just couldn't wait to share -- but then I remembered that in my last post, I'd promised to discuss great moments in voting history. Promises are a bitch.

So here goes, gentle readers -- bend over & brace yourselves, you are about to be educated.

1787

The passage of the U.S. Constitution gives white male property owners age 21 and over the right to vote, thus starting the United States off on the "right" (ha-ha, a pun!) foot, and in one fell swoop preventing the dregs of American society -- ie, the estrogen-impaired, excessively pigmented or financially degenerate -- from mucking up the wheels of democracy with their self-indulgent whining about "female suffrage", "slavery" or, pfft, "food". Fucking commies.

1807-1843

A dark half-century for conservatives everywhere -- poor people get the right to vote. (Provided of course they possess a penis. Oh, and are white. Darkies, Jews, Indians -- Tonto, not Habeeb -- and the damn Chinese need not apply.)

It was around this time that those crazy lesbians Elizabeth Cady Stanton and Lucretia Mott decided that -- get this -- ovaries need not disqualify one from participating in the quadrannual popularity contest that is the National election. They, along with a bunch of other camel-toed bleeding hearts, formed a coalition of sewing circles designed to nag the government into submission. Thankfully their high-pitched chatter did nothing to distract Washington from its holy mission to keep White Penises at the helm of American Public Policy.

I'm sorry, I can't say that with a straight face.

The Battle of the Sexes took a backseat to the concerns of racial equality during this time, as most activists for women's rights were also agitators for a variety of other social issues, of which emancipation was paramount. Most female suffregettes allowed their cause to be "prioritized", and worked for abolition and African American Civil Rights before they secured their own. The end result of this remarkable self-sacrifice was that the first black man voted a full 60 years before the first woman saw the inside of a polling place. By 1840, it was still Penises - 1, Vaginas - 0.

1870

The 15^th Amendment guaranteed the right to vote to all men that were 21 or older regardless of race or ethnic background. They were even serious. Sort of. The first black man to vote under the protection of this well-meaning but rather weak amendment was Thomas Mundy Peterson, of Perth Amboy, New Jersey. A school custodian, he was also -- ironically -- an active member of the Republican Party. This was in the days before the Republicans sold out Peterson and others like him following World War II. Compassionate Conservatives, my ass.

The South, of course, wasn't going to take this lying down. To them, allowing former slaves or their children to vote would be like letting their livestock march down to the polls and agitate for suffrage -- would you let a cow vote? Clearly not understanding the marked anatomical and physiological differences between cattle and...uhm...people, the South established a series of laws designed to keep African Americans in their place. You know, uneducated and unrepresented. They used clever tactics like literacy tests (one memorable test required a black university professor to recite the US Constitution from memory. Did he do it? You get three guesses, and the first two don't count, moron.), grandfather clauses and if that didn't work, good old fashioned physical intimidation to keep prospective African American voters from the polls. Isn't history fun?

This still didn't apply to Tonto, Geronimo, or any other descendents of the headdress-wearing, tomahawk-throwing smallpox victims running around the United States before Columbus. Native Americans didn't get the vote until they gave up their tribal affiliations and embraced the life of their white brethren. Most, understandably, said "Kiss my Tee-Pee, Whitey" and chose to live quietly unenfranchised on reservations until alcoholism, diabetes and wholesale slaughter by the US Cavalry sent them to the Great Buffalo Hunt in the sky.

1920

American women are finally granted the right to vote with the passage of the 19th Amendment, paving the way for abortions, bra-burning, women in the workplace, Take Back the Night and tampon dispensers in public restrooms. Score 1 for the Vaginas!

85 years later, we still have not had a viable Presidential or heck, even Vice Presidential Candidate with breasts instead of balls. Given the current state of world affairs, that's a little depressing.

I am so writing my next blogspot on adipocere.

Until next time...