Great Moments in Voting History

I did promise, after all.

I was going to write a blogspot on the history of embalming, or something equally morbid. I found some fantastically disgusting pictures of adipocere on the internet (research!) and I just couldn't wait to share -- but then I remembered that in my last post, I'd promised to discuss great moments in voting history. Promises are a bitch.

So here goes, gentle readers -- bend over & brace yourselves, you are about to be educated.

1787

The passage of the U.S. Constitution gives white male property owners age 21 and over the right to vote, thus starting the United States off on the "right" (ha-ha, a pun!) foot, and in one fell swoop preventing the dregs of American society -- ie, the estrogen-impaired, excessively pigmented or financially degenerate -- from mucking up the wheels of democracy with their self-indulgent whining about "female suffrage", "slavery" or, pfft, "food". Fucking commies.

1807-1843

A dark half-century for conservatives everywhere -- poor people get the right to vote. (Provided of course they possess a penis. Oh, and are white. Darkies, Jews, Indians -- Tonto, not Habeeb -- and the damn Chinese need not apply.)

It was around this time that those crazy lesbians Elizabeth Cady Stanton and Lucretia Mott decided that -- get this -- ovaries need not disqualify one from participating in the quadrannual popularity contest that is the National election. They, along with a bunch of other camel-toed bleeding hearts, formed a coalition of sewing circles designed to nag the government into submission. Thankfully their high-pitched chatter did nothing to distract Washington from its holy mission to keep White Penises at the helm of American Public Policy.

I'm sorry, I can't say that with a straight face.

The Battle of the Sexes took a backseat to the concerns of racial equality during this time, as most activists for women's rights were also agitators for a variety of other social issues, of which emancipation was paramount. Most female suffregettes allowed their cause to be "prioritized", and worked for abolition and African American Civil Rights before they secured their own. The end result of this remarkable self-sacrifice was that the first black man voted a full 60 years before the first woman saw the inside of a polling place. By 1840, it was still Penises - 1, Vaginas - 0.

1870

The 15^th Amendment guaranteed the right to vote to all men that were 21 or older regardless of race or ethnic background. They were even serious. Sort of. The first black man to vote under the protection of this well-meaning but rather weak amendment was Thomas Mundy Peterson, of Perth Amboy, New Jersey. A school custodian, he was also -- ironically -- an active member of the Republican Party. This was in the days before the Republicans sold out Peterson and others like him following World War II. Compassionate Conservatives, my ass.

The South, of course, wasn't going to take this lying down. To them, allowing former slaves or their children to vote would be like letting their livestock march down to the polls and agitate for suffrage -- would you let a cow vote? Clearly not understanding the marked anatomical and physiological differences between cattle and...uhm...people, the South established a series of laws designed to keep African Americans in their place. You know, uneducated and unrepresented. They used clever tactics like literacy tests (one memorable test required a black university professor to recite the US Constitution from memory. Did he do it? You get three guesses, and the first two don't count, moron.), grandfather clauses and if that didn't work, good old fashioned physical intimidation to keep prospective African American voters from the polls. Isn't history fun?

This still didn't apply to Tonto, Geronimo, or any other descendents of the headdress-wearing, tomahawk-throwing smallpox victims running around the United States before Columbus. Native Americans didn't get the vote until they gave up their tribal affiliations and embraced the life of their white brethren. Most, understandably, said "Kiss my Tee-Pee, Whitey" and chose to live quietly unenfranchised on reservations until alcoholism, diabetes and wholesale slaughter by the US Cavalry sent them to the Great Buffalo Hunt in the sky.

1920

American women are finally granted the right to vote with the passage of the 19th Amendment, paving the way for abortions, bra-burning, women in the workplace, Take Back the Night and tampon dispensers in public restrooms. Score 1 for the Vaginas!

85 years later, we still have not had a viable Presidential or heck, even Vice Presidential Candidate with breasts instead of balls. Given the current state of world affairs, that's a little depressing.

I am so writing my next blogspot on adipocere.

Until next time...

Happy Referendum Day!

Daily Non-Sequitor: Suicide bombers, indirect fire, drive-by shootings...I'd like to see Puff Daddy try his "vote or die" campaign here. (Brian, on Iraq)

So, today is October 15th, the day that the Iraqi people get to vote on the US-backed Constitution, which will decide the direction their country will travel in for at least the next few years -- religious authority vs. secular authority, the role of women in Iraq society, voices for ethnic and religious minorities -- these are the questions that need answering, and today, your average Man-About-Baghdad gets to answer them. Pretty heady stuff.

Ignore the fact that many Iraqis are afraid to vote; anyone seen as a collaborator with the American forces in Iraq is labeled an enemy of Islam and as such, a target for al-Zarqawi's suicide bombers.

Ignore that your average Iraqi woman has little faith in the Constitution's ability to improve her social standing or secure her rights.

Ignore that the other Islamic countries in the region -- Syria, Iran, Turkey -- are casting a worried eye on Iraq's ethnic Kurds, who have been given an unprecedented voice in Iraqi politics and may be legally recognized as independent if today's Constitution goes through.

Ignore all that, and see instead that a formerly oppressed people are exercising their democratic power for the first time. Despite the troubles that roil just beneath the surface -- or the bombs that I can hear going off outside our perimeter -- a country's first vote is something for the record books.

Democracy is never a painless process. It has distinct phases...we can look to our own history as Americans as a predictor of what the Iraqis have to look forward to.

1) Independence Phase. 230 years ago, we had our own crazy dictator to worry about (King George had porphyria and used to run naked around his palace. Saddam Hussein used Sarin gas on his own people -- totally the same thing, right?), our own war to throw off the yoke of oppression (Example: the British had authority over all judicial cases in the Americas, and used to ship criminals back to England for trial without the benefit of a jury of their peers. Saddam's security detail executed 160 men, women and children and incarcerated 1200 more -- without trial -- following a failed assassination attempt in the town of Dujail), our own insurgency against the occupying power (Tea in Boston Harbor...bombs over Baghdad. This is the best metaphor ever). Anyway, Iraq finished this phase -- with a little help from the Third Infantry Division -- in 2003.

2) Constitutional Phase. Back in 1787, we were having our own referendum to decide on a Constitution, similar to what the Iraqi public is going through now. Then as now, no faction was entirely satisfied with the finished product. The Iraqis are a bit more enlightened than our forefathers were (at the moment) -- there's at least lipservice to women's equality (American women didn't get the right to vote until 122 years after the Constitution was ratified) and ethnic Kurds count as a full person as opposed to 3/5s of one. When it comes to voting equality though, Americans and Iraqis are on the same page -- Iraqis have to worry about getting blown up at the polling places, Americans had to worry about getting tarred & feathered (1790), lynched (1860), raped (1920) or beaten (1960s). See my next blogspot, Great Moments in Voting History, for all the gory details.

3) Civil War (Genocidal) Phase. It's interesting that when a country turns in on itself, we have two different words for the resulting bloodshed, depending on how badly the winners kick the losers' collective ass. We had a Civil War because the North and the South were both white, primarily Protestant, and each managed to put a serious hurting on the other at one time or another. Lee had his Gettysburg, sure...but Grant lived with the shadow of Chancellorsville on his soul for the rest of his days. The Iraqis may have a Civil War between the Sunnis and the Shi'ite majority, but if either side turns on the Kurds (hey, they're used to it), that will probably be genocide...especially if Syria and Iran join in the Allah-u-akBOOM shenanigans.

Anyway, the point is -- setting up a legitimate Democratic process isn't easy, and we can expect a lot more its citizens to water the tree of liberty with their patriotic blood (and brains, and fragmented body parts) before Iraq is ready to sit at the big kids' table.

Until next time...

Haunted

Oh darkness, I've lost my way
Take my hand, I'm stretched too thin
The light is fading
The light has gone
It won't come back again